hmm.. i guess im back to my old self. oh well. shoud have gotten back a few months ago. it just that i wish i wouldnt. coz the feeling of not being alone is kinda addictive. yeah. haha. now i feel really REALLY lonely. but im good. besides i have been this way since i dont know when, and i survived. like i said its just sad coz ive experienced not being alone and i just miss it.
i really thought i found the one. but i was wrong. and oh stupid me i almost did it again. its really impossible to find sum1 wholl really always be there. or my standards are just high? no.. i dont think so. maybe i havnt found that sum1 yet. or maybe i hav but i havnt realized it. or i will not be able to find coz he doesnt exist.
but i swear if i find him, oh i really wouldnt let him go. hey, wait, i wasnt the one who has the hobby of just letting go. in fact i was the one who held on. and biliv me it wasnt a good move. u gotta know when to hold on, hold back, give space or let go. and that was my flaw. i nver knew when to do things wth specific people in specific moments. i just think of myself. and most of the time im dominated by fear. fear of rejection and loneliness. but hey look at me now. all alone. ironic huh.
this new year i wish everything would change. i wish to be happy. (am i being selfish or what) as in i want to feel real happiness. coz these past few months ive been reallyreally down. then something came and i thought, oh maybe this (or he) can help me remember how to smile. but then it turned out that i just hurt myself more. the broken pieces of my so called heart were turned into fine dust. however do i manage that? would it be whole again? nah. i dont think so.
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